The Healing Process

By CC Treadway
www.treadwayesoteric.com

I am always struck in my own process, how is it possible to still be challenged by an issue I thought I had cleared years ago? I notice the same pattern in my friends, colleagues and clients. Why does this continually mystify us? What are some of the misconceptions about the healing process that continually leave us bewildered by life?

There are many misconceptions about healing. The biggest one is that there is a destination get to, and that destination, which should hopefully only take one or a few sessions to get to, is the perfect life experience of which we always dreamed, or perhaps being the perfect person, totally happy and fulfilled. The reality is that healing is a maturation process involving other dimensions with no guaranteed results. If there were a goal, it might be acceptance of the way things are, detachment from the way things should be, and a continuous connection to Source. However, in the human experience and I believe the experience of an ever evolving universe, with your perspective constantly shifting, the ability to accept and detach and connect is constantly challenged with the soul’s desire to experience and create more variations of life. The perfect life we had dreamed of that we might have even achieved is usually based on a set of desires, gifts and woundings that will take on a different form once the new vantage point is reached.

What do you mean woundings?? Your wound is your gift. This is the concept and experience that was taught to me at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing (BBSH), although I did not really understand it until after I graduated. First of all, the whole concept of “the wound” was elusive. What were they talking about? My first experience that I may have “the wound” occurred sometime at the end of first year where we had to bring in a picture of ourselves as a child. I remember looking at that picture of the child and I began to cry uncontrollably (this is a typical experience at BBSH). I couldn’t explain it. I just missed that child so much.

How is the perceived abandonment and separation from Source/God/Creator reflected in your personal life experience, and how does that inspire and fuel you to develop and bring forth your unique gift into the world, ultimately reuniting you with Source energy? What makes you ask, “Why God, WHYYYYY!!” And then what makes you do something about it?

For example, if during a few years of your childhood, you lived in a country at war and experienced bombings on a regular basis, you know that much of the reason you may desire to live in a peaceful and calm environment is due to this early life experience. As you heal that wound, your desires for how you want to live will shift. After some time of rest, you may decide you are bored and want to make a bigger difference. Fueled by your life experience, you forge a career in assisting children during times of war. This would be a life choice directly based on your wound. Your gift that was received as a result of this wound will flourish and be bravely brought into the world.

Learning how to face and deal with your pain is one of the most important lessons of the healing process, perhaps life itself. I recently had the pleasure of holding and spending time with a newborn baby. This baby is a lucky kid, because he has two of the best parents an infant could have. His mother is my oldest friend, whom I have known for almost 30 years. When we first met we were just a little bigger than her son is now! This friend of mine is very special, she was born in a state of unconditional love and stayed there. No therapy or healing, I swear. She has been a big teacher for me as I have sought so desperately the quality she seems to possess without effort.

I think somewhere in the back of my psyche, I had the belief that if the parents did everything right; the baby would never feel any pain. (Yes, it’s obvious I haven’t had a child yet!) What I witnessed with my friend’s baby, however, was that it went from peaceful to crying in an instant, and I could see that the parents were doing everything right, it was totally unavoidable that this baby would feel pain. When the baby cried, the parents scrambled to find what it needed, which was either holding, feeding or diaper changing. When they found what the baby needed, the baby was peaceful once again. I was literally watching the life process unfold before my eyes. What a teaching. It dawned on me, “Oh, we’re supposed to get upset, phew!” It’s never perfect in the way that we imagine. We go from peaceful, to anxious and upset, to figuring out what we need, to peaceful and happy once again.

I think we all spend a lot of energy trying not to get upset, but if our tears are used properly it’s a one-way ticket to figuring out what our needs are. So the idea that we have to heal so that we can never feel pain again is an illusion, perhaps the biggest illusion of all. I truly believe that healing involves being able to accept the life process, pain and all and have the courage to feel it and make good choices to meet our needs. This is what my teacher, Barbara Brennan and her staff, taught so exquisitely.

Another misconception is that once you heal an issue, and I’m talking a core wounding issue, not a physical injury or disease, that it never is a problem again. I’m sure there are exceptions but I have not yet seen one. Even those that claim instant healing, walk in souls, reincarnating in your own body, etc., still have a core wounding. They may be out of the wheelchair or cancer free, but they are still human. As you go around the spiral of life, you will be hit with that core issue again and again, each time deepening your understanding of yourself, how you operate and how that wound is the ticket to your greatest gift in the world. The core wound based issues are directly linked to your individuated divine spark. That is the uniqueness of who you are. Does that mean you will be plagued by painful memories of sexual abuse for the rest of your life? Absolutely not, but it could mean that you have to work with understanding and creating healthy boundaries for a long time.

Lets say, 20 years into your journey you decide to start a new business. As you hit the point of the spiral of life where that wounding activates, you may find that you are unable to create healthy boundaries about money. You know that boundaries and self worth are core issues related to the sexual abuse, so with that awareness, you take your healing process into a deeper understanding of boundaries. You strengthen your self-respect; get in touch with your true needs, which allows you to feel the sweet core of who you are. You have grown and matured and this allows you to expand your business farther than you ever thought possible. You have transmuted the issue, but the sweet core of who you are, mixed with your desire to bring forth your gift to world is Divine Reconnection. And it will bring tears.

My own core wounding pops up pretty regularly. Without going deeply into circumstances or early childhood psychology, it’s related to my parent’s divorce, and I can experience extreme abandonment and isolation. Of course, I always think that I have totally nipped it in the bud. While I no longer am upset about the divorce, I can feel a deepening around what this wound brings up for me. Several months ago, I did a soul retrieval to explore the origins of this abandonment wound, to see if there was more information I could get from other lifetimes:

I journeyed back to the source of abandonment. I found myself in a cliff dwelling community in the southwest, but it was deserted. I couldn’t understand why it was deserted and thought I must not be clear. But I saw my guide sitting down with a smile on her face and she encouraged me to keep going. I traveled down the cliffs to the bottom of the river where I saw a fragment of my soul staring at disbelief at her dead body. The emotions of the scene were strong. I knew I had jumped. What could have led me to such a decision?

As I channeled the experience through, I was witness to one of the most beautiful lifetimes I had ever revisited. Never before had another lifetime been so completely lucid, as if it were happening now. Born into a good, solid family, I was loved and cared for. I easily developed self-confidence and as I matured, became known for my ability with crafts and beadwork. It was a fulfilling life. At the time of womanhood, many men were my suitors, but I waited until I felt the best man arrived, married him and had three children. Juggling family life and my craft was only made possible by the support of family and the community, the strength and safety of it. I learned through these experiences that I could depend on others when I needed, and I deeply loved them for it.

My children were still toddlers when the droughts came. It was clear that we had to move to a new location, however, there was indecision about where everyone would go. People were choosing to split and go in different directions for survival. Having never dealt with serious emotional stress, I was at a loss to handle this. I couldn’t bear the idea of my life falling apart in this way, of losing my identity, my community, those I counted on, and of having such struggle and unknown before me. I was petrified. As people packed up, my fear overwhelmed me. In a moment of delirium, I flung myself off the cliff. Instantly I filled with regret as I fell into the black hole of my decision, dying in the shallow river.

I began to dialogue with the paralyzed soul fragment, still in shock at the bottom of the river. She told me of her grief, her guilt at abandoning her family. How she didn’t deserve them, how weak she was. I also learned of the decision to never be dependent on anyone again, to avoid such rash actions. I cried with her as the healing process began. After completing the soul retrieval, I could feel my beloved family close with me. I had missed them so much. I apologized to them over and over. Could they ever forgive me? There have been many times in this current lifetime where I felt like I was falling into a black hole of isolation and loneliness, whether I was abandoned, or I abandoned, I have had to face, over and over again, how to catch myself in this free fall, how to feel the pain of loss, heal and move forward into something new. The breakdown of my nuclear family that left me no ground to stand on triggered “the wound” of feeling separate from Source, and from the Human Family so I began to isolate, making sure I was not dependent on anyone, recreating my karmic story. My biggest challenge has been giving up isolation and independence so I can come into community again. What are the main issues my clients come to work on with me? Abandonment of course! Heartbreak of course! Coming into healthy community of course! I love it and it continually challenges me to heal.

After the emotional intensity of the soul retrieval dissipated, life carried on with more beauty and connection. I had reached a healthy balance in my work and play life, was surrounded by great friends and opportunity was knocking at every door. I was happy.

In June I went to Living in the Heart workshop in Sedona and stayed with my spiritual parents and mentors, Barry and Cynthia Kapp of Wisdom of the Earth Medicinal Aromatherapy (www.wisdomoftheearth.com). I connected with Barry and Cynthia when we went to Guatemala and Easter Island with Drunvalo. Cynthia and I instantly bonded. She is a sassy New Yorker like myself and it’s relaxing for me to have someone to be loud and sarcastic with on these spiritual trips! These two beings were such bright lights it felt like there was a tractor beam connecting me to them. Not to mention they always smelled fabulous from all the essences. Like a lost child I followed them around everywhere. Even when I tried to stop following them I couldn’t. It wasn’t long before they were referring to me as their daughter. Since Guatemala, they have literally taken me into their family and begun filling the gaps in my childhood.

The experience in Sedona was intense. I was surrounded with community in a far deeper and richer way than I had ever experienced. I had a cathartic experience at Drunvalo’s workshop, several of my beloved BBSH friends were with me, being so close to nature filled my soul and staying with my spiritual parents proved to be the most healing experience of all. I think I relaxed for the first time. I felt no pressure to succeed like I always feel in New York. Cynthia constantly smothered me with love and medicinal essences. Barry, with seven daughters of his own, has the Dad thing down. He even asked that I move out to Sedona because he was worried about me in Manhattan. Although it touched my heart, I laughed at him, because after all, I’m a big girl, New York is my home, my root, and my rock and if I was really meant to move, I would be given a big sign. But by the end of the trip I was dreading returning home to my empty little apartment and over achiever life. When it was time to go, Barry took me aside, opened his heart and told me all of my wonderful qualities. I teared up and inhaled this gift; it meant the world to me. Major dad healing. While I loved my life in NY, I had to admit this was better.

When I arrived in New York, I didn’t have the heart to put up the Manhattan energy protection filter, I was so relaxed. But when I walked down the street almost every other person began talking to me, offering me everything from death threats to marriage proposals. I was a little shocked. Being that open was hazardous. Several people even thought I was a tourist and tried to scam me- that had never happened to me. My God, how much had changed in ten days? I could feel all the tension of city life in a way I never had. After a week spent mostly hiding in my apartment, I surrendered and brought my field back in, reinforcing the boundary. No more death threats, although I still enjoy the occasional marriage proposal. Why tune those out?

Over the weeks I noticed that I was experiencing difficulty sleeping, heart palpitations, shortness of breath and numbness in my arms. The problem escalated until one weekend I was completely overcome by fear, and at the insistence of my Dad (biological), I went to the emergency room. I was in a total state of panic. I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to the emergency room near Chinatown. Tears were rolling down my face as I felt underneath this fear a desperate, infant need to be held and loved. The care in my Dad’s voice felt so good. I hadn’t heard that in so long. I was so confused because I had more support in my life than ever. I mean I thought I had healed that! But still there was more I longed for, much more. The need to be back in harmonious community, in nature and cared for was a force welling up inside me that I had never allowed myself to fully feel.

After a totally normal EKG, the doctor came in and said, “You have anxiety.” I was surprised, I mean, I live a balanced life, meditate, do yoga and am a healer for crying out loud, I would know if I had anxiety. I told him he must be mistaken. He then asked me what I did for a living, I said, “I am a therapist of sorts, a healer.” He said, “Oh, yes, of course,” as if he sees this all the time, “I think then, what you need is more care.” Oh, more tears flowed, he knew!! It was that obvious, I wasn’t fooling anyone. He said, “Who is taking care of you?” I paused, “No one,” getting more worked up. Why God, WHYYYYY?

It was petrifying to be in that hospital, all alone. I didn’t ask anyone to come because everyone is so busy and stressed in Manhattan I didn’t want to bother them. As I was covered with electrical equipment and hooked up to big machines, I felt myself free-falling into the black hole again. I silently screamed to the abyss, “I need more CARE!!” and something different happened as I cried these original tears of need. Instead of falling to the bottom of a river, or falling into the center of myself/Source like I had learned to do over the last five years (a good skill, by the way), I plummeted straight into the unconditional love web of my community. I could literally feel them catching me. Safe in this web of love, I allowed myself to fully relax into it and connect. I had done the work, allowed myself to fully feel the pain and the need and I wasn’t abandoned, I could feel the circle was completing, I was forgiven and I forgave myself. I was ready to come out of isolation and move back into community.

When I talked to Cynthia about it she said, “So, is that a big enough sign for you?” After a few days of recovery, and slathering myself in the essences she sent me, I put my apartment on the market without having any real plans of what I would do. “I don’t care anymore,” I said, “I’m done with this lifestyle. I hate living alone. I hate the pressure of paying a mortgage for a tiny apartment by myself. I need more care like Dr. Wang said!” Whatever was keeping me attached to New York dissolved. As word spread of my decision, I immediately had offers from friends around the country to take me in, and email support came from around the world. The most offers, including work, a place to live, friends, nature and spiritual parents, came from the Sedona area, suspiciously close to where I had taken the original leap into “the wound” in my cliff dwelling lifetime.

As I continue in the healing process, coming home deeper within myself, my longing and my community, I treasure not only the gifts that I will get to bring into the world as a result, but also all the gifts that have been offered to me in the process.

(c) CC Treadway 2009-10. All rights reserved.